From the Archives: Peddling Vulnerability
Originally published: Sat, 30 Dec 2017
x
I am shameless (that’s also my TV show of choice at the moment). Other synonyms that capture this blog entry nicely: barefaced, overt, brazen, audacious, outrageous, undisguised, unconcealed, transparent.
Remember how I said I have stuff to say and stuff to process and that this blog was my way of getting some shit off my chest? Well, it turns out that’s not as easy as I thought it would be. Over the last 4 years I’ve watched that Brené Brown TED Talk on vulnerability a million times and have sent the link to dozens of friends. Yet I still struggle to be open and honest about who I truly am. How come peddling vulnerability doesn’t automatically make me the world’s most vulnerable human? Oh right, being vulnerable takes effort and requires a little [a lot] of sitting with discomfort. My goal is to practice living a life of vulnerability, and my decision to boldly speak my truth on this blog is just one element of that practice. I am really loving this [no matter how scary it may be]!
Okay, so here’s my stuff [or just the tip of the stuff iceberg]: You guys, I have some serious issues….[and please don’t get that pitying look on your face and say “oh honey, you don’t have issues, you’re fine” because that’s not helpful and it’s not true and if you'd just let me finish my sentence you’d know I was about to say the best part]….
…and I truly love and accept myself in spite of being laden with those issues. The only reason I’m okay disclosing all of this in a very public forum [thank you dearly to the 18 people who have read this blog] is because I truly love and accept myself. It took a lot of work to get here and I’m still in the depths of that work and I think I’ve gotten a handle on [some of] my issues which makes me feel just-brave-enough to start talking about them.
Here are [some of] my issues:
Well, first let me preface this by just saying that I’ve been sober for 8 years which is officially longer than I drank for, as strange as that is. I must say that while being sober is pretty super-duper awesome it’s also a head fuck because it tricks me into thinking that I shouldn’t have issues any more and that I should be healed of all the things that made me wanna drink my ass off in the first place. Well, newsflash, that’s not how it worked for me. After much examination I've discovered that my issues were essentially the same before, during, and after my drinking days.
Now for real, here are [some of] my issues: It all stems around this incredibly long-lasting OBSESSION with men & women & dating & other people’s relationships & googling things like ‘why can’t I succeed at love’ or ‘how do I know if I should stay or go’ & looking at websites dedicated to finding romance & loathing the institution of marriage & loving the institution of marriage & being frantic about the whole subject of finding someone to love me. The truth is that this one subject stole my FOCUS from so many other things for most of my human existence [even when I was a little kid]. Ugh. You guyssss it plagued me!
I read ridiculous books and experimented with just about everything under the sun just so I could get that thing that I felt like everyone else just GOT. In a nutshell, I did a lot of crazy shit in relationships [and I mean A. LOT. OF. CRAZY. SHIT.] until I finally spiraled out of control. The final straw was when I met, got engaged to, married, and divorced a guy in less than 2 years flat.
I still cannot believe that happened. I can’t believe that I did that. But I did. And the story is super sad and the events were traumatic [for myself and the person I married and our respective families]. Sure, it carries an element of shock and awe, which I admit are reactions that I typically enjoy provoking; however, this time it went TOO FAR. My penchant for self-destruction-slash-self-alienation took a much darker twist even though I was sober as fuck.
Issues? Yep, I’ve got some. Why, though? Am I biologically predisposed to mental illness? Uh, ya think, just a tad. Does addiction run in my family? Uh, yah dude, we live in America, who doesn’t have alcoholic relatives? But here’s my thinking on it: I’m of the opinion that I could allow my thoughts to proliferate on the why-am-I-the-way-I-am question for the next 25 years and still lack the bell-ringing clarity I desire. That said, I can theorize that my issues ultimately stemmed from having mixed feelings about being alive [read: existential crisis] coupled with a persistent low grade depression*. The existential crisis made me feel terribly alone and told me that I’m unfit for managing my own life so I'd invite other things [e.g. people, drugs, jobs, religion, etc] to have power over my decisions. Meanwhile, the low grade depression kept me on the prowl for the next thing that would provide some relief no matter what the source [e.g. people, drugs, jobs, religion, etc].
More important than the what, and the why, is the what now?
I think it’s important that anyone struggling with issues [whether those issues look like mine or look totally different] find a path of healing to follow for a while. Stick to that path until it doesn’t feel like the right path anymore or until the path has taught all it can teach. If that happens, then go find a new path. Or you can blaze A FUCKING NEW PATH. Currently, I’m doing the latter and it’s mighty liberating. I've always been a follower of other paths [e.g. religion, AA, higher education] so I'm kind of making it up as I go and still learning from a ton of others along the way [shout out to Tracy at Girl Rebuilt who has been a mentor and friend to me over the past year].
I might totally fuck this up, but I just need to do something new and different. This blog and podcast thing feels out of my depth. I'm nervous about it. But I'm doing it anyway. Because vulnerability.
I'm relieved to say that my obsession with finding romantic love is pretty much gone. I think society will always sort of shove it in our faces, but I am way too preoccupied with other things like starting a revolution and loving myself [and peddling vulnerability like an eager beaver]. I'm no longer ashamed of my google search history which now consists of queries like 'how can I be an activist while holding a full time job' and 'how do I know if I should quit my full time job to join the Peace Corps' and 'who played Fiona's tenant on Season 8 of Shameless' and imperial to metric conversions.
But the love thing. While it's no longer an obsession, I still wanna talk about it. I want to learn and laugh and cry and cringe about what happened along the way. I want to stay in a long-term relationship with myself despite the fact that I will likely end up dating and falling in love again someday. I want to find out if other people have done crazy shit for love and I want to talk to them about it. So, hit me up if you have a story to tell. I want to hear ALL about it. That's all for now.
*These two subjects are things I've been dissecting and examining for years. I loved studying philosophy in college because I could ruminate on existentialism for hours without being called foolish. I still listen to Closer To Fine by the Indigo Girls and it makes me feel a little better. As for the depression thing, I am not currently on antidepressants but I admit to having an on-again/off-again relationship with them. I just don't trust that they're not fucking up my brain and it freaks me out to take them. Plus I sort of enjoy a melancholic state a teeny bit sometimes. Told you I have issues.
Comments
Post a Comment